Untangling Life

I feel empty. The wave of sadness hits me when I least expected it, when I think I’m ok it comes for me. I’m seating around people but I feel the knots twisting in my stomach. Like something it’s missing and I’m not sure what that is.

It’s a sleepless night, just like the other ones. I can hear June’s tiny snores. The house is full of silence, yet there is so much noise. All the noise comes from my head, my thoughts seem to be competing for attention, there is noise inside my head, but everything is silent.

Deciding to walk away from my marriage was not easy. I don’t like the unknown. I don’t like abandoning people. I know what that feels like. And walking away from my marriage felt just like that — abandonment. We knew this was coming, we just didn’t want to accept it. But somehow, we managed to untangle our lives.

I don’t like feeling emotions. Good or bad, I don’t like them. Pretending to feel a certain way is easy. I’m a pro at pretending. I’ve been acting all my life, but acknowledging a sentiment/emotion/feeling is hard. This is new. I can’t ignore them. They are all screaming, demanding I let them out. They want to be released from the dark place I have stored them in. I feel trapped. They all come at once. They bring tears to my eyes, they make my heart race, they make me numb. I can’t keep them locked away. They broke the lid in which I had kept them stored. They are here, and they demand attention.  They have taken over. I no longer have control over them. I cry, scream, and cry some more.

Everything is new and I don’t have a clue of what comes next. This is the beginning of self-discovery, self-acceptance, self-love all while accepting that it’s OK to feel the way I feel.

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