The act of slowing down sucks; being forced to think sucks, and I feel trapped. I mean this in the sense of thinking about what is happening around me. I overthink. I know it sounds contradicting when I make two opposite statements. Let me explain.
I don’t think much about situations, how to approach them, what to do. Instead, I *over* think after. I replay conversations in my head. I think about EVERY SINGLE WORD that was said, every action that they expressed. I overanalyze the other person’s reaction, expressions, words. I then second-guess myself. Why did I say that? Why didn’t I say this instead?
For as long as I can remember, my brain has always been on high speed, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Until I had to slow down and think, it almost feels like my brain and body became allies and created a master plan on slowing me down and forcing me to think, to acknowledge that this is not a healthy/reasonable/happy way to live.
So now, I’m being forced to think. To sink in and explore under the surface. I’m an above-the-water surface kind of girl. It is easier for me to swim with my head out of the water. I navigate life better this way, but I also know that from time to time, I have to untangle myself from messes that come up from under me because I ignored them for so long. So I’m slowly learning to swim under the water.
There is darkness, possibilities, and opportunities, but growth is mainly waiting to happen all under the surface. They say you learn and grow when you’re uncomfortable, and this is true.